This is Not Happening
by overtlycovert
Summary: Mulder and Scully thought that the first installment was bad enough- but the sequel proved them wrong. Set months post Hollywood A.D., with a hint of Arcadia. R&R.


_DISCLAIMER: X-Files i__s not mine. I once thought it was, until I realized that the person who sold me the rights for the show was actually a well-known con-man. Note: I'm kidding._

* * *

Mulder plopped down on his couch, a cold bottle of beer in one hand and a remote control on the other.

It was another lazy Sunday evening, and he had found himself once more in his usual spot- huddled up on the couch, his head propped against a pillow for support. He tended to doze off in that position after a good hour or two, after all.

He flicked through the channels, hoping to find anything remotely interesting to pass the time with. Sadly, though, nothing turned up. Heaving a sigh, Mulder stood up and popped off the cap of his beer bottle.

Mulder then stared at the cap in his hand, shifted his gaze at the trash can standing on the other side of the room, and then looked back at the cap. A playful grin formed on his lips as he pulled his arm back, his eyes focusing intently on his target- "Aww, damnit." - and he missed.

The object clanked as it hit the floor, inches away from where it should have landed. He glared at it for a moment before taking a few gulps of the beverage.

He turned his eyes back on the television, surfed through the channels again and finally, he decided to settle for a black-and-white World War II film. He'd watched the thing more than a dozen times- 53, to be exact. But it was either that or Titanic; it won hands down.

He stared dully at the blaring screen, which displayed the protagonist spending his last night with his lover before going out for the war.

"Rob, don't go. You don't have to do this."

Mulder had seen the movie so much that he could flawlessly cite the lines along with the characters.

"I have to, Laura. This is the very thing that I've been training for since I decided to join the army."

He chuckled a bit, recalling an x-file he and Scully handled almost a year ago, wherein they went undercover as a newlywed couple. He had just watched the thing before stumbling upon the case, which explains his rather odd name choices.

"What about me? I don't what I'd do if you…die."

The man leaned forward and wrapped her arms around the woman.

"I won't, I promise."

"Will you make certain?"

The man pushed her towards the bed, his body lying on top of hers.

"Gladly."

Mulder's monologue was put to a close as the couple kissed passionately, their clothing disappearing as the seconds drew by. He smiled to himself as the scene unfolded; but it quickly dissipated after seeing that all-too-familiar 'we'll be right back' screen flash. _Oh, great. Commercials, _he thought sarcastically, guzzling down more of his drink.

He glanced at the screen in between gulps- and nearly sprayed the liquid out in surprise. His eyes grew wide as he stared in utter horror at the movie trailer being shown. He reached towards a nearby table and fumbled for his phone, pushing down on the keypad without taking his eyes off the atrocity unfolding in front of him.

One ring. Two rings. _Come on, pick up. _Finally, on the third ring, he heard a click as the receiver was picked up.

"Scully," the person on the other end of the line greeted.

Just like Mulder, she was laid out on the couch, the phone tucked between her ear and shoulder.

"Hey, it's me."

"Hello, me. What's up?"

If it had been another time, he would've made a comment about what Scully had just called him.

"Turn your T.V. to channel 9. They're currently airing a work of fiction that I believe you'll find very fascinating," Mulder spoke, emphasizing on the word fascinating.

Scully gave an incredulous look, despite knowing that he couldn't really see her.

"Let me guess…another Bigfoot footage?"

"I wish."

"Well, I'm kind of busy at the moment."

She glanced at her television set and sighed dreamily. Her face lit up as Leonardo diCaprio held Kate Winslet, her arms outstretched as the romantic sea breeze brushed against them. On the other end of the line, Mulder could clearly hear My Heart Will Go On being played on the background.

"You won't be once you see what's on tonight."

Scully thought for a moment. "Ok, fine," she finally agreed, albeit reluctantly.

She dejectedly took the remote and did as her partner said. She nearly dropped her phone the moment she caught sight of what he had been talking about.

"I'll call you back shortly."

Scully set the phone back on the table and continued watching the screen in horror. She shook her head in disbelief, while her mouth hung open in surprise. This was definitely the worst one minute and thirty-three seconds of her life. And that says a lot, considering everything she had been through while working with the FBI. She would've included the last two seconds left of the thing; if only the name Special Agent Diana Chicken didn't sound so awfully fitting.

After taking a few seconds for what she had seen to sink in, she grabbed her phone and called back Mulder.

"Please tell me I didn't see what I thought I just did."

"No, you didn't see what you thought you just did."

"God, Mulder. I don't know what to say."

"Any form of profanity would be a good start. I can't believe David Hasselhoff is playing Skinman!"

Scully laughed. "At least they didn't get Brad Pitt," she offered as consolidation.

Mulder wasn't quite done with his complaints. "And Lazarus Bowl 2: Attack of the Zombie Poodles? Even an eight year old can come up with something better."

"You've got to admit, it is original."

"Yeah, original. Right. Did you see the tag line?"

"Don't forget your flashlight?"

The corners of her mouth twitched as Scully tried to hold back a laugh. Meanwhile, Mulder wondered how Scully could have taken this so lightly. She should have been either freaking out or cursing their favorite director slash pain the rear by now, for all he knew.

"What I don't understand is what drove them to make a sequel," Scully began. "I mean, sequels are usually made because of the overwhelming success of its predecessor. But the first installment was far from that. It did terrible at the box office. Critics feasted on it. It was a disgrace to the film industry. It, it…"

"It sucked. Hard," he finished for her.

"Well, for the lack of a better word to describe it, yes. It sucked."

"Did I mention that it's going to be released internationally?" Mulder added, hoping to get even a slight trace of disturbance from her.

"You're kidding."

Those ten words did the trick, it seems.

"I hope I was."

A long pause ensued. Mulder heard the phone being put down. This sound was followed by some sort of ruffling noise, and then heavy footsteps.

"Scully, you still there?"

Scully grabbed her laptop, tapping her fingers impatiently as it started up. When it finally did, she quickly clicked on her internet browser.

"Scully?"

"Get dressed."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, Mulder. Pack up. Were heading to California."

"Who are you and what have you done with Scully?"

She ignored his question, and replied with a no-nonsense tone. "I'll pick you up at 10. See you."

"Sure, fine, whatever."

Mulder hung up, his frown now replaced with a wolfish grin. This was going to be a long, exciting Sunday.

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**I just rewatched Hollywood A.D., and this crazy idea suddenly hit me. Please tell me what you think. Reviews are forever loved. :)**


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